THE SUN. A JOINT. AND A CHICKEN.

This is self care for me. I feel conflicted about sharing this photo. I feel nervous about the backlash or the judgement that will surely come.
Cannabis is 1000% legal here in Canada, but it still has a stigma attached to it in ways alcohol never has. ::ahem systemic racism:: For me, cannabis is medicine.

THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUR YOUNGEST TODAY.

Sometimes you just need to sit in a basket in your underwear with a feather from your favourite chicken. This is how I found our youngest today. Sitting cross legged, in the basket that usually holds blankets, staring off into space. When I broke his gaze, I asked him what was wrong, he perked up and said, “Nothing! I’m just imagining,” and then went back to his own world.

EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED FOR MY KIDS.

3 Months ago we rolled up on Salt Spring Island with NO IDEA what was in store for us! So much has gone so very wrong. But this moment right here is everything I’ve ever wanted for my kids. It’s just 1 of 100 reasons we moved out of suburban life and onto this magical rock full of trees and wonder.

Three months ago, Katherine and I picked up our suburban life and moved our family of 7 + one ex-husband to a hippy farming island full of magic. The first 2 weeks I spent mostly crying, then I rage built shit, while pretending I was super chill anytime Handsome Matt came over to help.

Rest In Peace sweet Poly.

Sometimes your 5 year old might misplace his quail. He may then forget he misplaced her. And then you might find said quail dead.

This move and all these new things that I happen to have now clue how to do have brought up all my shit.

My perpetual face plants, stumbles + skinned knees have forced me to re-examine my relationship with masculinity, perfectionism, + self worth. It has made me check my ego + learn to ask for help. It’s made me take my own medicine when parenting my kids. And it’s made me wonder why we lose the ability to fail on purpose, pushing ourselves to our edges as we grow?

I have vivid memories of scrawny 6 year old Nick, trying so hard to keep stuff clean.

I remember telling myself, “okay! You can do it this time! You’re gonna keep this new toothpaste so clean so you can ALWAYS see how awesome the ninja turtles picture is.”

A LITTLE LUNCH TUTORIAL!

During these wild times we all need a little bit of joy! And kids who can make their own damn lunch! ‘Cause parents are working on less sleep, with less hours, less alone time and less joy than ever before and we need a break!

Little Ms Wilde has been begging me for her own cooking show for about 12 years.

Yes that means she started in utero. Quarantine came along and locked us all down, so it seems as good a time as any to make her dreams come true!

WE ARE SO CUTE!!

And super in love! And even Wallace F. North joined in!!! Except that less than an hour after these photos were taken I made Katherine cry in the car. ⁣ Because that’s marriage am I right? Anyone who says it’s not well, either they are lying, or they aren’t “all in” cause loving someone fully and loving yourself fully is super elaborate dance it turns out. ⁣

HERE WE ARE.

Standing in a room full of awkward, lanky, super rad middle schoolers. It brings me right back to my own middle school experience. Grade 7 and 8 were two of the best years of my entire life. I think I liked middle school so much mostly because EVERYONE felt shitty in their own skin for this one window of time.

“Daddy! I have to tell you the truth.  I can’t be a liar anymore,”  she says bravely, bottom lip quivering.

“It’s 4:30 in the morning; this is too early for real parenting,”  I think to my self. “Don’t yell. Don’t yell. Don’t yell…” I repeat my mantra silently in my head. 

ON WEDNESDAYS WE DO LAUNDRY!

I stand drinking my tea (coffee is an after the kids are gone activity) in the front landing and holler up and down the stairs simultaneously (5 kids means we store some of them in the basement rooms, my wife @declaredominion is scandalized by this, this is what I call not being independently wealthy while having 5 children) “IT’S LAAAAAWWWNNNNNDRRRRRY DAY, BRING FORTH YOUR DIRTY UNDERWEAR!” And they all come like aunts with trails of dirty socks following behind them. ⁣

Three years ago today we took the three bigs to their first @teganandsara concert. ⁣

T&S are my favorite band. If you know me you probably know this fact more than you’d like to. Their fans have a rather “cult” feeling, that I’m pretty pleased to be a part of honestly. ⁣

This is where I’m supposed to tell you how awesome it was. ⁣
⁣
Except the whole thing went sideways. ⁣

I pondered life. And realized that if someone forced me back into my life before all of this. Back into the closet.  This, this feeling of utter freedom and anonymity mixed with the foot loose and fancy freeness of not being worried about my safety late in the night is the privilege I would miss most. 

Not the being listened to in a brand new way, not the no longer having to justify my every choice or thought because I was a woman, not the being respected as the default, nope, it’s the safety that comes with being a man.

TELLING KATHERINE THAT I WAS TRANS WAS THE EASIEST PART

The truth is that without her, the steadiness and fierceness of her love, I don’t know that I would have found myself. I was way more afraid to admit my transgender identity to myself.

Who would I become. How would I change? Who would I lose?

Everyone, I was sure.

It turns out that life just got better.

This image was my goodbye.

At first I was indignant! Here I am! Let me celebrate you dammit!!!!

I looked again, swallowed the lump, and waved. She waved back, a smile filled her face, and an ease came over her body. I remember this feeling. In so many ways she is me, she is mine. Being here in this universe with her people is her happy place. She’s safely in her extroverted social butterfly orbit.

I remember these moments like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could do them all over again; or at least remember them better.

CO PARENTING IS HARD!

Why did no one say? “You’ll be more frustrated about this than almost anything else in your relationship. But remember to hear each other, really listen, past the fear, and to the value you are trying to teach, focus on that rather than the very specific path you think you should take to get there and you’ll be okay”

Nope just some BS about “how the days are long but the years are short.”

It’s the worst feeling isn’t it.

You love someone, you see their true self, you respect them and want to show them just how much you’ve got their back and then you drop the bomb. You’ve been so concerned with getting it right and loving them that you actually screw up huge and use the wrong pronoun. It’s all you can hear, it’s all the beautiful transgender person you’re talking to can hear, it echoes like you’re trapped alone in a cave and every whisper is heard.

I’ve been in a low grade agitated state of panic since I woke up this morning.

Why? Because it’s our wedding anniversary.

And tradition states that I have to write a very romantic post about it. I can write all sorts of romantic things, if I have to. All of those things are true.

But that’s only one half of the story.