“Daddy! I have to tell you the truth.  I can’t be a liar anymore,”  she says bravely, bottom lip quivering.

“It’s 4:30 in the morning; this is too early for real parenting,”  I think to my self. “Don’t yell. Don’t yell. Don’t yell…” I repeat my mantra silently in my head. 

ON WEDNESDAYS WE DO LAUNDRY!

I stand drinking my tea (coffee is an after the kids are gone activity) in the front landing and holler up and down the stairs simultaneously (5 kids means we store some of them in the basement rooms, my wife @declaredominion is scandalized by this, this is what I call not being independently wealthy while having 5 children) “IT’S LAAAAAWWWNNNNNDRRRRRY DAY, BRING FORTH YOUR DIRTY UNDERWEAR!” And they all come like aunts with trails of dirty socks following behind them. ⁣

Three years ago today we took the three bigs to their first @teganandsara concert. ⁣

T&S are my favorite band. If you know me you probably know this fact more than you’d like to. Their fans have a rather “cult” feeling, that I’m pretty pleased to be a part of honestly. ⁣

This is where I’m supposed to tell you how awesome it was. ⁣
⁣
Except the whole thing went sideways. ⁣

This image was my goodbye.

At first I was indignant! Here I am! Let me celebrate you dammit!!!!

I looked again, swallowed the lump, and waved. She waved back, a smile filled her face, and an ease came over her body. I remember this feeling. In so many ways she is me, she is mine. Being here in this universe with her people is her happy place. She’s safely in her extroverted social butterfly orbit.

I remember these moments like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could do them all over again; or at least remember them better.

CO PARENTING IS HARD!

Why did no one say? “You’ll be more frustrated about this than almost anything else in your relationship. But remember to hear each other, really listen, past the fear, and to the value you are trying to teach, focus on that rather than the very specific path you think you should take to get there and you’ll be okay”

Nope just some BS about “how the days are long but the years are short.”

PARENTS NEED VACATIONS

This was our mantra as Katherine and I snuck away from our suburban family life for 4, childless nights in the Bahamas.

“But didn’t you just GET back from vacation?!?” I can hear you ask quizzically. 

No miggy figgys!!! No, I did not just get back from a vacation, I just got back from a trip! With my kids. Where we do all of the same crap like laundry, and cooking, and fighting over screen time, and bedtimes and all of it, but we do it in a new, more challenging place, without any of our creature comforts!  

EVER WONDER IF YOU’RE A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR BEING JEALOUS OF YOUR KIDS’ LIVES?

Yeah, me either.

Except. Yes. I TOTALLY WONDER IF I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR BEING JEALOUS OF MY KIDS!

BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS OF MY KIDS

It would be silly for me to say I’m the exact same person.

I’m not.

The world treats me differently now. And I am different because of it.

I feel more confident. I feel more free. I feel a deep down sense of me.

And yet, I also have this new set of rules and societal expectations on me.

When I was a kid I didn't know that people like me existed.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS POSSIBLE.

AND YET.

MY NAME IS NICK. I’M THAT BIG SCARY TRANSGENDER PERSON YOU’VE BEEN TOLD TO FEAR.

THIS IS MY EX HUSBAND CHRIS,

Without him I wouldn’t have 4 out of 5 of these humans I call my kids. And they wouldn’t be nearly as loud or tell as interesting of stories, or have any musical talent at all.

Turns out raising a boy who is basically a carbon copy of me has given me all the feels about my own childhood.

Not all bad, some good, but mostly a sense of loss.

The boyhood I didn’t get to have.

Close your eyes and think of your school photos.

No really take a second, and pour over them in your minds eye.

How did it make you feel? Where did you go first in your memory?

A friend of mine recently welcomed a new baby into their world.

They are in their 40’s and it’s their first. They are Ivy League educated, have thriving careers and are all around wonderfully, delightful, amazing humans! They come from a different world than me though. They went to all the right schools, learned all the right skills, have all the right pedigrees.

I realized something when a pal slid into my DM’s this afternoon.

(Yes, I know all the cool kids like @Lizzobeeating use “slid into my DM’s” to talk about sexy times, flirty talk, but I’m a 34 year old Dad of 5, I use it when talking about my pal Charlie. Deal with It!)

Last night this kid threw himself down a very high up bike ramp thing towards mounds of dirt he would ride over, with zero preparation.  And I let him! 

I knew that telling my kids my truth, about who I am was the only option! That showing the world that it really isn’t that complicated. That when someone tells you their truth you believe them and love them, because their truth has always been there, now you just get to know it.