SIGNS YOUR KID MIGHT BE STRUGGLING WITH THEIR GENDER IDENTITY
Wilde, and their brother Mayhem, with Dad, Nick North, by Stasia Garraway
As an out, proud, relatively happy transgender man, and parent of my own gender queer child, the question I’m asked most often by other parents are:
HOW DO I KNOW IF MY KID IS STRUGGLING WITH THEIR GENDER IDENTITY?
Quickly followed by:
WHAT DO I DO TO SUPPORT THEM?
These are important questions. Questions I can’t answer on my own. I can’t answer for all, or even most transgender or gender non conforming folks, we’re more interesting humans than that.
I can tell you about my experience growing up,what feels good to me, and what didn’t. I encourage you to look for more than just my experience, and to follow other transgender folks like: Emme Reynolds, Janay Future Khan, Ty Deran, Alok, Freddy McConnell or Schuyler Bailer and the millions of others out there who are quietly living their lives around you.
Because we need to begin to do a better job answering these questions for ourselves, and our kids.
LGBTQ+ YOUTH MENTAL HEALTH RESEARCH SHOWS
In its second annual National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, The Trevor Project confirmed some terrifying numbers…of those surveyed who identified as trans or non-binary, more than half said they strongly considered ending their lives.
Which brings us back to the original question:
HOW DO I KNOW IF MY KID IS STRUGGLING WITH THEIR GENDER IDENTITY?
There aren’t just a list of signs and symptoms that make someone trans. It’s not one or two defining moments or signs of outward struggle for trans folks.
For some it’s the tell tale, “I don’t want to wear that” or “I don’t want to play with the boys” or anxiety over gendered sports, clothes, celebrations.
For me there were a hundred moments. A thousand moments. So many moments, some big, but mostly tiny cries for help. They started with my clothes as a little boy. Crying over dresses. Crying over toys. Crying over never getting to be who I actually was. There was so much crying. And then there was silence…the crying turned to appeasing.There were moments in life where my truth hit a boiling point, and I knew exactly who I was, followed by long bouts of convincing myself I could just try harder to make the best of what I had.
I always knew, and I never knew.
I knew I was different. I knew I wasn’t who everyone thought I was, but I didn’t know that I was possible. I would have known earlier had I known I was possible. I played the part I was meant to play. However uncomfortable, and I convinced myself that everyone felt uncomfortable in their skin, didn’t they?
If only I had known that other people like me existed. Who would I be then?
If the energy I spent as a teenager hating myself had been spent loving myself?
Because of out and proud trans folks like Elliot Page, and Laverne Cox, and books for kids like, His, Hers, Them & Theirs: Learning Pronouns With The Bears, and athletes like Chris Mosier lots of kids won’t ever have to hide their true self deep inside. Instead they will know exactly who they are, and be proud to have found themselves so early in life.
How do we make sure that your kids feel safe to express themselves, and have the words to tell you who they are?
Ways To Ensure Your Kids Feel Safe To Explore Their Gender Identity:
Provide opportunities for your kids to notice you enjoying all facets of the gender spectrum. Explore the masculine and feminine in yourself, and everywhere in between. The more permission we give our kids to explore and enjoy the different parts of themselves, the more permission we give them to find themselves.
Show them positive examples of transgender folks in the media and ensure you comment positively about them, because when we see ourselves, we know ourselves.
When inevitably your kids come across the transphobia in media (ie. bad jokes, or blatant transphobia like in Ace Ventura) ensure you pause, call out the bigotry and that “jokes” like this are not funny or acceptable. That transwomen are women etc. Because you know what I say, we should treat all of our kids as if they are Queer, until they tell us otherwise. Remember, even if your child isn’t transgender, 2% of the population is, and you never know how important your speaking up is. They say transgender kids only need one supportive grown up in their life to make the difference between surviving and thriving.
8 Year Old Nick North
This may seem like a lot. It’s new, it’s different, and the stakes are high. It all comes down to this one thing though.
Listen to your kids.
Listen to their words, the ones they say, and the ones they don’t
Listen to their body language. Listen to their heart. Pay attention to what makes them light up, and what makes them close down, and then believe them, and lean into those places with a gentle heart. And if your own heart is confused, or hurt by what you find out, take that to therapy. Take it away from your child to to heal, and understand, because your job is to love and support them for exactly who they are, not who you thought they’d be.
Hugs, or High Fives,
Nick
