DO YOU HAVE A FAIR MARRIAGE?
Katherine and Nick North Talk about fair marriage in their garden on Salt Spring Island, Image by Stasia Garrraway, for Folklife Magazine
It’s 2022. A fair and equitable marriage should be something that you and your partner aspire to no matter who you are right? I mean you’re a feminist. Or at least in the sense that you believe women deserve the same rights as men. Of course you want your partner to have the same opportunities you do.
And yet…Easier said than done.
You’re closer than your parents were, when it comes to an egalitarian relationship, and light years away from where your great grandmother was, who as a woman wasn’t allowed to own property, have agency over her body, or have access to things like credit or bank accounts in her own name until the 70’s in some cases.
However when it comes right down to it, a fair and equitable marriage doesn’t happen all on it’s own. How’s yours doing these days?
Who Carries The Mental Load In Your Marriage?
Ask yourself these questions:
What did you get your parents for their last birthday? And Christmas? Who bought it, who wrapped it? Who mailed it?
When are your kids due for their next dentist appointment?
What size shoes do your kids wear?
What’s in the fridge that you could make into dinner tonight?
When is the cc due? What’s your monthly burn rate of fixed expenses?
What does your investment portfolio look like? When will you all retire?
Who does the school call when your kid is sick, misbehaves, or has forgotten his book, again.
Who manages carpool? Books Lessons? Helps with homework? lunches? Grocery lists? Shopping?
Who tracks, and books vet appointments and oil changes, regular maintenance?
Who is responsible for Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and more?
The answers to these questions, knowing them, or not, does not make you an inherently good or bad partner, parent or spouse. It does give you a quick snapshot of what your particular mental load distribution might be in your partnership.
Katherine Mothering in our Garden, by Stasia Garraway, for Folklife Magazine
How did youR TEAM do ON THE MENTAL LOAD DISTRIBUTION?
Are you an active participant in your life? Are you the co-chair of your family, are you a technician waiting to be told what to do, or a silent partner swooping in for board meetings and public events but with no real day to day impact?
I hope you want to be an active participant, otherwise, a fair and equal partnership is going to be near impossible to have.
Nick North, Dad Hands, by Stasia Garraway
WHAT DOES A FAIR MARRIAGE Require?
An open, and honest heart.
If you want any chance of something other than the status quo it’s going to require some upfront investment out of you.
You have to be brave enough to step out of your social programming, stop being a martyr, and get uncomfortable by being honest, and communicating what is, and isn’t working for you. Even if it hurts your partner.
Then listen.
I know it’s hard, but do your best to avoid getting defensive. Listen. Really hear your partners request. And open your eyes to what your partner's reality feels like. When you listen and believe your partner's experience, it leaves space for them to really hear you and your experience too.
How to Make a Change in Your Marriage
Okay, so your relationship has a problem, it’s unequal somewhere, that’s okay, you can rebalance!
Instead of defensive, and then reacting, listen to your partner, maybe take some time to think about things, and really hear them, and then when you’re both ready, come back to the drawing table of your relationship!
It’s time to have some fun, and get curious and creative together to solve this problem with a brainstorming session.
Remember you are on the same team! The team that wants you both to feel loved, appreciated, and celebrated.
Sit down with a paper and pen, and throw out a dozen or a hundred ways– serious, ridiculous, and everything in between that you Could do to solve this problem. Think outside of the box, outside of the social gender roles and expectations society has put on you.
That’s when you will both find the unique solution for your family.
Sometimes that’s hiring something out, or negotiating and trading undesirable tasks off between the two of you, and others it’s finding a whole new way of approaching something all together!
Want to know more about how we do it?
We plan. SO MUCH PLANNING. It’s what seems like a very unsexy amount of planning.
But I promise you, for me, and maybe for you, planning leads to the sexiest things!
