LET YOUR KIDS EXPLORE THEIR GENDER PUZZLE PIECE
When parents ask me about their kid exploring their gender identity, with that panicked tone, and desperate eyes, I tell them, “I like to think of gender as just one of the puzzle pieces that make up the whole picture of who we are.”
For most people their gender puzzle piece is already in place. It’s the freebie, an obvious corner piece - anchored securely in the perfectly fitting pieces around it. Ahhh snug as a bug! This is probably how you felt growing up.
Or maybe you were curious, you explored, and you were able to pick up that puzzle piece and examine it a little bit to figure out exactly where it goes. “Boom! Got it first try!”
For some of us it’s not that simple. We may have had to pick our gender puzzle piece up examine it, get frustrated and put it back down a few different times before finally having the relief of finding it’s perfect placement.
And then some of us have a different relationship with our puzzle all together. Some of the pieces seem to be missing, and others are definitely in the wrong spot but someone glued them down anyway🤷🏻♂️. Instead of an easy start we had to pry off the pieces that someone else tried to force on us. Pieces that definitely didn’t fit, no matter how hard we tried.
Or maybe we thought it went one place only to realize actually nope. It was upside down the whole time. Silly puzzle pieces. They can trick you like that.
And for some gender fluid folks their gender is less rigid. It’s reassembled exciting and new day after day.
Yes, sure, this puzzle metaphor is flawed and in some ways gender is more complex and expansive than words of any sort can do it justice.
The point is that your gender identity is just one piece of the puzzle that makes up who you are. Sure, it’s an important piece, one that can help the rest of your puzzle make sense, but it’s your piece, your puzzle! You get to decide when and where you examine it. You know best. And you can come back, take another look and continue putting it together whenever you’re ready. Or not.
Cool huh?
SUPPORTING YOUR child AS THEY EXPLORE THEIR GENDER
Strong parent support is key!
Love and celebrate your child for who they are.
Don’t pressure your gender non conforming child to change who they are, instead pressure the world around them to make space for your beautiful rainbow kid.
Read books with your kids that talk about the many different ways to be a boy, a girl, or having another gender identity. It’s great to support representation in books and the media, but you can also just switch up the characters in the stories you already have.
Find opportunities to show your child that transgender and gender-diverse people exist and belong to many communities who appreciate and love them.
Educate yourself on the trans experience, the same way you would educate yourself on any other important need or experience your child might have.
Ask your child’s teachers how they support gender expression and what they teach about gender identity at school.
Be aware that a child who is worrying about gender may show signs of depression, anxiety, and poor concentration. They may not want to go to school.
Some parents have a hard time accepting that their child’s gender identity is different from their assigned sex at birth. In cultures and religions where this is not easily accepted, we often have additional socialization and inherited beliefs to overcome. If you are having difficulties, be gentle with yourself, you’ve been socialized to have these fears, you didn’t create them all on your own. However, your job as a parent is to keep these fears, and hurtful beliefs to yourself, working them out privately by seeking additional help through websites, non profits, support groups or mental health providers.
Remember your child should not have the burden of educating you about Trans and Gender Non Conforming folks, or helping you overcome your socialization of transphobia— That’s on you.
Trans man and Seahorse Dad Nick North Talks about creating space for kids to explore their gender.
