WHEN INSTAGRAM SMACKS YOU ON A FRIDAY
Ever find yourself scrolling through the gram on a Friday afternoon losing more minutes hiding in the bathroom on your phone, avoiding work, than you care to admit?
When all of a sudden a post smacks you in the face.
You know the smack.
It’s the one of deep shame and guilt that “I’m such a loser…I’m not more evolved… why can’t I look at my circumstance like that? See I’m no good, I’m such a _______. “ Fill in the blank with whatever that thing your mean bully brain is telling you is true.
My brain typically fills it in with: loser, fraud, imposter, wannabe, because that’s where I am on this trip around the “Spiral” as my wife so brilliantly calls it.
Your” ______ “ could be the same as mine, but is likely different. That doesn’t make it any more true than mine.
I digress. The point is that yesterday I had one of those moments; actually I have it most Fridays.
On Fridays my Instagram friend and fellow transman Thomas shares his #gendereuphoria post, and every week it feels like a kick to the gut.
IT’S A KICK TO THE GUT THAT I CHOOSE AGAIN AND AGAIN
Image by Thomas Cole Reeve aka @creating_thomas
Let me explain.
Us transfolks often struggle/suffer/fight with something called Gender Dysphoria.
Dictionary.com defines it as:
gender dysphoria
noun
a psychological condition marked by significant emotional distress and impairment in life functioning, caused by a lack of congruence between gender identity and biological sex assigned at birth.
I like to say it's the discomfort I feel from feeling betrayed by my body.
Because for me that’s what it feels like.
For me, it feels like every moment in this skin is a fight between me and the flesh that holds me.
The itch of being in this body is intense at most moments, the feeling of loss of experiences I won’t ever get to have, the feeling of being different all the time, is one I struggle to shake.
So when I am scrolling through the world of Instagram and find others like me, it’s healing balm to my dry cracked skin that needs it so much.
And yet it is also filled with moments like these where I could let this post ruin my day, I could sit in my shame that I am not yet “as evolved as Thomas.” Or that he “obviously has better top surgery results than me, if I had that chest I’d be euphoric too!” and other self sabotaging bullshit like that.
I could get down on myself about how I’m not doing better at being trans.
Or:
I can be filled with happiness for him. I can use Thomas as a guiding light forward. I can say “THANK GOD FOR THOMAS!” and celebrate the fact that he is in this spot in his journey right now and that it’s totally okay that I’m not.
I might never be at the point where I participate in a Gender Euphoria Friday with Thomas.
That’s okay too.
Because we all have our own stories, we all have our own journeys, and by watching other people's stories unfold we start to see different possibilities for ourselves.
I personally am excited about the possibility to celebrate this skin that I am in.